Let's Talk About Legalism

 

Let's Talk About Spiritual Abuse

 

JOY In the Morning

Hello, Friends! 

I know that it has been a terribly long time since I have written, and I suppose that I don’t have any legitimate excuse since I have long struggled to prioritize writing on the blog. However, this time it feels different. I want to start by saying that the last couple of years have been very difficult ones for my family. Because of my own struggles, I have felt hard pressed to know what to say to anyone else. So, this post will not be like a regular blog about the homeschool life or any homeschooling issues per se. Instead, I would like to share with you something that the Lord impressed upon my heart last night.

First, a brief update on our family. We are still homeschooling (yay). My oldest daughter is in her second year of college, and my younger two are both in high school. This year, we joined a homeschool group that is more of a micro-school for high school students. It has been a game changer for me, relieving my overall stress level and feelings of burnout. And my husband and I will celebrate our 23^rd wedding anniversary this year! Overall, everyone is doing well. 

Well, back to my experience last night. Over the past week or so, I began asking God to give me a word to help define my vision (2020 vision!) and focus for the year 2020. Last night, I came across a video sermon in which the speaker talked about fighting for joy. It spoke to my heart on a very deep level and refreshed my spirit immensely. Because of the difficulties of the past couple of years, I was weary. I had often lost hope. And I certainly wasn’t experiencing joy. I believe that the scriptures are true, and the Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. I became very much aware that I was feeling weak (at least partly) because I had become so engulfed in difficult circumstances—and I was allowing my circumstances to steal my joy. The video that I was watching encouraged me to delight in the Lord, and to “fight for joy”. I had never thought about “fighting” for joy before. Suffering had almost seemed like a holy thing somehow, and I had completely resigned myself to it. I felt in my heart that God was answering my prayer and giving me my word for 2020—JOY. 

Even though we have had a couple of difficult years, my family is healing. Things are looking up, and I have regained my sense of hope that even better days are ahead. In 2020 I want to be more intentional about investing in my relationship with God, who loves me unconditionally and even sings over me! During times of trauma over the last two years, I focused on finding my rest in the Lord. Now I will concentrate on finding my delight and my JOY in the Lord! And I will continue to fight for it even when I don’t feel it! Does anyone else need to hear this? Who wants to join me in the fight?

I really do hope to write on this blog in 2020, but it will take on a different tone than it has in the past. I would like to discuss some of the things that my family experienced, and continues to heal from, over the past couple of years. Most specifically, I would like to write about the issues of spiritual abuse and church trauma, which can involve all sorts of underlying behaviors and attitudes, including legalism, elitism, coercion, conformity, irrationality, and manipulation, as well as weaponizing the Bible in order to harm and control. No church or pastor is perfect, but I am talking about patterns that involve these characteristics in churches. 

If I am honest, I don’t feel ready to write about it yet. I feel called to do it, but I also feel very vulnerable. I don’t want to become triggered by the past, even as I commit to pursue joy as I go forward. Also, I would never want my words to hurt any of the wonderful people who still go to the church that I left. Most of them have been in that church for years. The system largely seems to make sense to them, and most of them have no idea how certain people are treated behind the scenes. But there is a need to talk about unhealthy church experiences because they really do happen and the trauma damages people. Many people have left the church altogether because of it. And there are numerous people in the world suffering from C-PTSD because of spiritual abuse. Some have even experienced a decline in physical health, including a host of chronic illnesses, as a result of the trauma. These things are nothing to sneeze at! They are very real issues, and they need to be talked about. The hearts and souls of people that Jesus loves and died for are at stake, and I do not feel that that can be overstated! These things surely must cause the Lord to grieve!

So, I hope to be able to start writing about it on this blog in 2020, not to be a Debbie downer, but because I want to do my part to raise awareness and to help those who are hurting. I have found resources that have helped me with these issues. God has also been gracious to put people in my path who have helped me. If you are dealing with any kind of church-related trauma, please know that you are not alone. And please reach out! I would love to listen and to direct you to resources that could be helpful.

In the meantime, I hope that you find comfort in the fact that God loves you exactly as you are! He made you, and He certainly doesn’t make mistakes. As believers, the God of the universe delights in us and sings over us! We don’t have to measure up or strive for perfection. He is the God who came to give us rest. And He came to bring unspeakable joy to the world, too! In fact, we all just celebrated that joy at Christmas. I feel that my night of weeping over spiritual abuse has come to a close, and a morning of joy has arrived. I am so thankful! May we continue experience His joy throughout the entire year. May 2020 draw us closer to the God who loves us perfectly and longs to heal our hearts.

". . . weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Pslam 30:5 b

Renewed Hope In the New Year

Psalm 3: 3-6

"But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side."

I cannot lie . . . the past five years have been rough. Without going into a lot of detail, some extreme dysfunction within my family of origin had left me feeling depressed, anxious, and confused. It was a relationship in which firm boundaries were necessary to keep my children and me safe, but the person involved did not want to accept the boundaries. Because of that, I found myself estranged. Deep down, I knew that I could not fix the situation, but I still felt guilty and ashamed of myself for not being able to. I am a people pleaser at heart, and when anyone is unhappy with me, I tend to feel guilty about it, whether or not I am actually the one at fault.

My emotions have been a rollercoaster for these past five years. I have struggled with insecurity and low self-esteem. I found that rejection by someone who should have loved me unconditionally caused me to assume that I would sooner or later be rejected by everyone else, too. I walked through life wanting to avoid people and hang my head in shame, even though I hadn't done anything to be ashamed of. In other words, this trial completely rocked my world.

On the one hand, I knew that my family was safer as a result of the estrangement, even though I had never asked to be put in such a position. However, I still ruminated over it time and time again. I fell into despair. I was inconsolable at times. I tried to take control of the situation in my mind--to think about all the ways I should have been able to fix it by keeping the peace and erasing all conflict. The reality was that I never could have controlled the actions of another person, but I still kept thinking about it nonetheless, and I couldn't let go of the misplaced guilt. Essentially, I failed to trust God with it. I tried to take control of something that He alone has control of. I failed to acknowledge that He had allowed this situation, and that He allowed it for my good. He knew all along that it was going to happen. He allowed it to happen in a way that provided for my family's safety, and He used it for my own sanctification. 

As I acknowledge God's sovereignty, I am finally able to begin letting go. I still have a ways to go with that, but it is a start. I can begin trusting in His goodness and thanking Him for his kindness. The Lord is lifting my head. He is sustaining me. He is helping me not to fear anymore. He is helping me to see that I am loved and accepted, not because of anything that I have ever done or failed to do, but because God is love. And by His grace, through Christ's finished work on the cross, I am His child. As a child trusts a loving father, I can trust my Heavenly Father because He loves me and He is good.

So, I am beginning 2018 with renewed hope. God is sovereign over all things. His love and His good plans will never fail. Jeremiah 29: 11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I can take that to heart this year, one day at a time. I can remind myself of it often, regardless of painful life circumstances. I know there will be days when I fail to trust Him, and the old anxiety will creep back in, but I also know that He will lift my head and refocus my eyes on Him once again. He has been with me through this trial, and He will ultimately use it for my good and for His glory. He is faithful, and I am so thankful for that. 

Psalm 121: 1-2

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."