Shunning

I came across an article entitled Shunning In the Church by Deborah Brunt about two days ago, and I have been battling triggering thoughts and emotions ever since. My family's experience with spiritual abuse culminated with shunning as we left the church. Likely a damage control effort, it was definitely a crazy-making, Twilight Zone-like experience. Although I don't think that the pastor boldly announced from the pulpit that we were to be avoided at all costs, he and his family definitely modeled it, and I'm sure their example made his expectations known in more subtle ways. Spiritual abuse almost always involves subtle attacks, and that is part of the disorienting cycle of it. 

I knew from the beginning, though, that the action (or non-action) was deliberate. I even used the word shunning to describe our experience from the beginning, although I had never been shunned before and I didn't completely understand it. One example (among many) happened when my daughter reached out to a "friend" from our former church and asked to get together with her, only to be told point blank that she would be too worried for the pastor's family to find out that she had done so. Fear is a likely  mechanism used to get people in the group to stay away from the ones being targeted. People in spiritually abusive systems inherently know that they have to behave in certain ways in order to maintain acceptance, and they don't often risk rocking the boat.

 It's interesting that the people and groups who tend to do this usually don't use the word shunning, yet the people who are being shunned most certainly know what is happening. And to sum up exactly what is happening with this tactic: Shunning is designed to create outcasts. 

Have you ever experienced shunning by members of a church or religious group? I hope you will read Deborah's article (link below) to gain more insight. She captures the experience vividly through her writing.

Here is a short excerpt from Deborah Brunt's article:

Shunning creates exiles, in more ways than one.

Exile can happen while you’re still physically attached to a group.  You still participate, but you’re acutely aware: you’re an outsider now.

Exile can result in your physically removing yourself, or being physically pushed out. If so, the shunners will continue to make damage control their highest priority – closing ranks to hide the evidence of their wrongdoing, while spreading innuendos and false accusations about you.

You’re aware – and yet the fog created by the non-act of shunning is so strong that it totally disorients you. In that fog, it’s almost impossible to breathe. Your thoughts and feelings ricochet:

People who were my friends yesterday treat me like a leper today. I’m being frozen out. But can that be true? And why? For speaking up about a wrong? For doing something courageous and right? Could this many Christians choose to act this badly? Surely not. Did I do it all wrong? Surely they just don’t understand.

In the fog that now swirls around the entire group, pretty much everyone you’ve cared about may believe you’re the villain. Your efforts to convince them that you’re not will only make them more sure you are.

-Deborah Brunt, keytruths.com

Read the entire article here

Spiritual Abuse and Legalism

Legalism

This word is thrown around quite commonly in Christian circles, but what does it really mean? Personally, I feel that legalism is one of the most dangerous components of spiritual abuse because it inherently undermines the gospel and drives people away from God. As I wrote in my last blog post, I am going to be writing about spiritual abuse this year, and it seems prudent to jump right in and discuss one of the most common and dangerous issues within that framework, which, again, is legalism. I am hoping to tackle this issue in a two-part series, of which this is the first.

But first, let's back up and talk briefly about what spiritual abuse is. There are varying definitions that have been written, but I will start with a quote from David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, co-authors a book that was immensely helpful for me entitled The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. These were the two people who really seemed to start the conversation about spiritual abuse when their book was published back in 1991. According to Johnson and VanVonderan,

 "It's possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine, or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions or disagrees, or doesn't 'behave' spiritually the way you want them to. When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person's standing as a Christian--to gratify you, your position, or your beliefs while at the same time weakening or harming another--that is spiritual abuse."  (Johnson and VanVonderen 1991).

And another quote from Johnson and VanVonderen: 

"Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another without regard to what will result in the other person's state of living, emotions, or spiritual well-being.” (Johnson and VanVonderan 1991).

Spiritual abuse is a broad phrase, and it encompasses multiple features and experiences. When we hear people use phrases such as "a bad church experience", "an unhealthy church", or "toxic religion", we may be hearing them refer to an experience of spiritual abuse. If you think of all churches existing on a continuum, with full-blown cults on one end, and healthy churches on the opposite  end, there is a wide spectrum between the two extremes. No church is perfect because people are not perfect, and you will find abusive situations that exist all along that spectrum. But, the closer you get to the “cult” side of the continuum, the more likely you will be to find increasingly pervasive patterns of spiritual abuse. 

I  looked at a variety of definitions on the internet, and there are many common words that show up in these multiple definitions, including the words manipulation, selfishness, and legalism. One helpful acronym includes that aspect of selfishness within spiritual abuse: Spiritual A.B.U.S.E. is Acting spiritual to Benefit oneself by Using Self-centered Efforts to control others (Hunt 2008).

Although spiritual abuse has not been researched as widely as other forms of abuse, multiple authors have noted the devastating effects on its victims, which are similar to those resulting from other forms of abuse. Spiritual abuse can also result in a sense of bereavement, similar to that of grieving the loss of a loved one. Many victims experience a crisis of faith or leave church altogether. C-PTSD can result from spiritual abuse as well. It should be noted that most of the information I have seen discusses the effects of spiritual abuse on adults. My hope is that researchers will begin examining the effects of spiritual abuse on the children who are being raised within these systems in the near future as well.

One strong theme among the features of spiritual abuse is often legalism.

So, what exactly is legalism?

Prior to attending my former church, I had thought of legalism as trying to earn salvation through one's own efforts and merit. It seemed cut and dry. A church that preaches about salvation by grace alone cannot be a legalistic church, right? WRONG. What I found so confusing at the time I was attending my previous church is that this church DID preach about grace, even to go so far as to tell us to search our hearts and question our salvation constantly. If we were “bringing any of our own effort to the table” when coming to Christ, we were lost and still needed to be saved. This was always the mantra, and I found myself questioning my motives and even my salvation all the time; and I repeated the sinner's prayer ad nauseum. But, I digress.

Back to the topic of legalism. This church did not preach directly about working one's way to heaven, so how could it be a legalistic environment? It turns out that I did not have the complete picture of all that legalism can entail prior to attending this church. Legalism can certainly mean trying to earn salvation through one's own efforts. However, the word is much broader than that, just as the phrase spiritual abuse can similarly encompass multiple features and definitions.

Through my own research, I found out that legalistic churches will often preach salvation by grace alone from the pulpit. When the preaching is over, however, grace is not lived out—and people are overly scrutinized for evidence of certain "fruit" in their lives. 

Let me pause to ask you a question--what comes to mind when you think of spiritual fruit? You're thinking about the fruit of the spirit, right? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

Unfortunately, that is not the kind of fruit that I am referring to. Instead, I am talking about issues such as the clothing that people wear to church. The music they choose to listen to. The Bible translations that they prefer. The slang words they might use (and I am not even talking about actual curse words). Methods of educating children. The length of  dresses and skirts. Usage of make-up. Hobbies. Opinions about drinking alcohol in moderation. Career goals. The number of times members attend church each week. The amount of hours spent serving in church-related activities. The level of financial giving. Instead of finding the freedom to be led by the Spirit in such matters, these kinds of ideas are used all the time to judge others' fruit--and thus their standing with God and spiritual maturity--in legalistic churches. 

In such churches, the leadership and/or membership develops standards that church members are expected to follow. Sometimes these rules are actually presented in writing. For example, in order to join my former church, I was required to sign a document stating that I would neither drink alcohol, nor work at an establishment that sold or served it. More often, though, the rules and standards are left unspoken, and members learn to fall in line by conforming with the expectations of the group. For example, my teenage daughter got in trouble at camp, and was publicly shamed, for her usage of make-up (which her leader judged to be excessive and “worldly”). This is not a sinful behavior, but she was not conforming to the group’s unspoken rule, so she was punished and treated badly for it.


To sum it up, the leadership may preach about God's grace, but if it is not being lived out among the people, and is instead replaced with judgment, condemnation, and spoken or unspoken expectations to meet in order to "measure up", then legalism may very likely be present. In these unhealthy churches, you will see a lot of effort to live up to man-made standards in order to gain acceptance. If you attend a legalistic church, you may also experience intense levels of fear about what other church members think of you or about failing to measure up. Any time that works are added to salvation OR to sanctification, then you are dealing with legalism. 

In my next blog post, I would like to talk about specific examples of legalism that I have experienced, as well as what the Bible tells us and shows us about legalism (there are many examples even though the word legalism itself is not used in scripture).

For now, I would like to leave you with a few definitions of legalism to ponder. As previously stated, the most commonly known version of legalism in Christian circles is the idea of trying to achieve salvation through our own works. I want to share these other definitions to show you that it is not the only valid definition, as the term is often used to describe spiritually abusive experiences in a more broad context.

1. This most basic definition comes from the Oxford Dictionary, which defines legalism as "excessive adherence to law or formula."

2. Bible.org describes legalism as "an attempt to gain favor with God or to impress our fellow man by doing certain things (or avoiding other things), without regard to the condition of our hearts before God."

3. In an online article, Jack Wellman stated, "Legalism can be described as a strict adherence, or the principle of a strict adherence to law, especially to the letter of the law rather than the spirit. 

4. Finally, author Edward Cumella described legalism as lacking grace toward others, rather than treating others with love and grace as Christ commanded us to, and the underlying (often unspoken) theme that one's worth depends on performance and status within the church.

If you find yourself in a legalistic environment and need help, please reach out. I have found resources for information and encouragement that I would be more than happy to share with you. To get you started, I have posted links to online videos showing interviews with the authors of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. 

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse Part 1

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse Part 2

One final word of encouragement that is simple, but true: There really IS life after legalism. The pain and damage are real, but I am finding that I am stronger and more compassionate as I come to the other side of it. Help is available, and you WILL be okay. May God bless and keep you always!

In the Grip of His Grace,

Alyssa

Sources:

1. Johnson, D. and VanVonderen, J., The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 1991).

2. Hunt, J., Biblical Counseling Keys on Spiritual Abuse: Relgion at its Worst (Dallas, TX: Hope for the Heart, 2008).

3. https://www.oed.com/

4. https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-57-why-jesus-hates-legalism-luke-1137-54

5. Wellman, J. https://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-is-legalism-a-christian-study/

6. Cumella, E.J. (2008) "Ch 19: Relgious Abuse." Eating Disorders: A Handbook of Christian Treatment, bu E. Cumella, M. Eberly, and A.D. Wall, Remuda Ranch: Nashville, TN

7. https://youtu.be/DGL_Wl7BAfE

8. https://youtu.be/MelXy5Gj7Jc

JOY In the Morning

Hello, Friends! 

I know that it has been a terribly long time since I have written, and I suppose that I don’t have any legitimate excuse since I have long struggled to prioritize writing on the blog. However, this time it feels different. I want to start by saying that the last couple of years have been very difficult ones for my family. Because of my own struggles, I have felt hard pressed to know what to say to anyone else. So, this post will not be like a regular blog about the homeschool life or any homeschooling issues per se. Instead, I would like to share with you something that the Lord impressed upon my heart last night.

First, a brief update on our family. We are still homeschooling (yay). My oldest daughter is in her second year of college, and my younger two are both in high school. This year, we joined a homeschool group that is more of a micro-school for high school students. It has been a game changer for me, relieving my overall stress level and feelings of burnout. And my husband and I will celebrate our 23^rd wedding anniversary this year! Overall, everyone is doing well. 

Well, back to my experience last night. Over the past week or so, I began asking God to give me a word to help define my vision (2020 vision!) and focus for the year 2020. Last night, I came across a video sermon in which the speaker talked about fighting for joy. It spoke to my heart on a very deep level and refreshed my spirit immensely. Because of the difficulties of the past couple of years, I was weary. I had often lost hope. And I certainly wasn’t experiencing joy. I believe that the scriptures are true, and the Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. I became very much aware that I was feeling weak (at least partly) because I had become so engulfed in difficult circumstances—and I was allowing my circumstances to steal my joy. The video that I was watching encouraged me to delight in the Lord, and to “fight for joy”. I had never thought about “fighting” for joy before. Suffering had almost seemed like a holy thing somehow, and I had completely resigned myself to it. I felt in my heart that God was answering my prayer and giving me my word for 2020—JOY. 

Even though we have had a couple of difficult years, my family is healing. Things are looking up, and I have regained my sense of hope that even better days are ahead. In 2020 I want to be more intentional about investing in my relationship with God, who loves me unconditionally and even sings over me! During times of trauma over the last two years, I focused on finding my rest in the Lord. Now I will concentrate on finding my delight and my JOY in the Lord! And I will continue to fight for it even when I don’t feel it! Does anyone else need to hear this? Who wants to join me in the fight?

I really do hope to write on this blog in 2020, but it will take on a different tone than it has in the past. I would like to discuss some of the things that my family experienced, and continues to heal from, over the past couple of years. Most specifically, I would like to write about the issues of spiritual abuse and church trauma, which can involve all sorts of underlying behaviors and attitudes, including legalism, elitism, coercion, conformity, irrationality, and manipulation, as well as weaponizing the Bible in order to harm and control. No church or pastor is perfect, but I am talking about patterns that involve these characteristics in churches. 

If I am honest, I don’t feel ready to write about it yet. I feel called to do it, but I also feel very vulnerable. I don’t want to become triggered by the past, even as I commit to pursue joy as I go forward. Also, I would never want my words to hurt any of the wonderful people who still go to the church that I left. Most of them have been in that church for years. The system largely seems to make sense to them, and most of them have no idea how certain people are treated behind the scenes. But there is a need to talk about unhealthy church experiences because they really do happen and the trauma damages people. Many people have left the church altogether because of it. And there are numerous people in the world suffering from C-PTSD because of spiritual abuse. Some have even experienced a decline in physical health, including a host of chronic illnesses, as a result of the trauma. These things are nothing to sneeze at! They are very real issues, and they need to be talked about. The hearts and souls of people that Jesus loves and died for are at stake, and I do not feel that that can be overstated! These things surely must cause the Lord to grieve!

So, I hope to be able to start writing about it on this blog in 2020, not to be a Debbie downer, but because I want to do my part to raise awareness and to help those who are hurting. I have found resources that have helped me with these issues. God has also been gracious to put people in my path who have helped me. If you are dealing with any kind of church-related trauma, please know that you are not alone. And please reach out! I would love to listen and to direct you to resources that could be helpful.

In the meantime, I hope that you find comfort in the fact that God loves you exactly as you are! He made you, and He certainly doesn’t make mistakes. As believers, the God of the universe delights in us and sings over us! We don’t have to measure up or strive for perfection. He is the God who came to give us rest. And He came to bring unspeakable joy to the world, too! In fact, we all just celebrated that joy at Christmas. I feel that my night of weeping over spiritual abuse has come to a close, and a morning of joy has arrived. I am so thankful! May we continue experience His joy throughout the entire year. May 2020 draw us closer to the God who loves us perfectly and longs to heal our hearts.

". . . weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Pslam 30:5 b