More About Legalism

I initially had trouble writing this post because I could not get my mind off of the global pandemic that we find ourselves in. Then I thought that this may be the perfect time to think about and write my next post about legalism. Spiritual abuse isn't going to go away. We will resume our normal lives again sooner or later, and these issues will still be present in far too many churches. I do pray that you all will remain healthy and safe during our current crisis. Much love to you and yours! 


In my previous post about spiritual abuse and legalism, we defined both of those terms, and we discussed some of the ways that legalism often rears its ugly head in churches. I'd like to talk more about what that can look like, and then in my next post I'd like to go to God's Word to find out what He thinks about legalism. I originally said that I was going to tackle both of those topics in one post, but I have decided to stretch this series about legalism into three posts (total) instead of two. There is  just so much to be said about legalism!


First things first, though. Legalism is one of many components of spiritual abuse. What are the other components of spiritual abuse, you ask? I'm going to list some of them here because there is a lot of overlap, and it will be helpful to the discussion about legalism to at least be able to name the other components. In addition to legalism, spiritual abuse can involve any of the following: Conformity, coercion, manipulation, hierarchy, elitism, authoritarianism, enmeshment, entrapment, and terrorism. I plan for future blog posts to address at least some of these other characteristics in depth, but for now, knowing the terminology may aid in understanding how the components can overlap and intersect with one another.


If you would like to know what legalism is by definition, please visit my first post in this series. There tends to be some confusion about what exactly this word can mean, so please read that post first so that we will all be on the same page. If you've already read the first one, then let's continue the discussion.


In my first post in this legalism series, I talked about standards within legalistic churches and the pressure to measure up to man made rules. In these environments, the standards become the measuring stick by which the people in the group are judged regarding their perceived spiritual condition, spiritual maturity, or even their salvation. Such judgments are most certainly made toward those outside of the group (and almost no one outside the group can measure up), but this also happens continually among the members within the group. Sadly, I can recognize that, as I spent more and more time in a legalistic church, I became increasingly judgmental toward others as well. 


So, within legalistic churches, the people are constantly passing judgments on one another--either praise for measuring up to the standards, or else shame for failing to measure up to them--and this becomes a means of control for bringing about more conformity within the group. This whole pattern of constant judgment of others while simultaneously trying to measure up involves both legalism and conformity. These two characteristics--legalism and conformity--really like to hang out together. Where you see one, you will most likely see the other as well because legalism breeds conformity. I would be bold enough to say that when you notice a lot of conformity within a church, that is a glaring red flag for legalism, too.

In legalistic environments, you will notice a tendency to major in the minors and minor in the majors. This simply means to take a minor thing and inappropriately treat it as a major thing, and vice versa. Let's talk about some examples. One hypothetical example would be to make a huge issue out of something like modesty, which in our example will involve shaming a woman for wearing a skirt with an above-the-knee length. Many Christians would not consider this to be immodest, but depending on the group's standards, a woman wearing this skirt could definitely be called out or shamed for doing so. Then, let's say that in this same church, the leadership discovers an issue that is actually a huge one, such as sexual assault perpetrated toward this same woman by a man in the church. The leadership responds by protecting that perpetrator. The pastor just sweeps the whole thing under the rug. This scenario would be even more likely to happen if the perpetrator was part of the pastor's inner circle (more about the inner circle in future posts). Another possible layer to this hypothetical example, which unfortunately happens all too often in real life, is when the woman wearing the skirt is blamed for her sexual assault because of her skirt length. This is a glaring example of majoring in the minors and minoring in the majors.

Another example of majoring in the minors and minoring in the majors would be for a pastor to degrade a woman for her God-given personality because she happened to be too extroverted, too intelligent, or too passionate (whatever quality the group or pastor deemed to be inappropriate), telling her that she was sinful because her particular personality wasn't quiet enough or submissive enough (again, as judged by the group's spoken or unspoken standards). That's bad enough, right? But what if that same pastor, all while he's making this poor woman feel awful about who God created her to be, ignores actual sins happening in his church, such as when he discovers that the aforementioned woman's husband abuses his family and is addicted to pornography? This pastor is focusing on all of the wrong things, but legalism breeds such an inappropriate focus. Church leaders can use this wrong focus on minor issues as a means to control the behavior of the congregation. In our examples, the pastor used his power and influence to make both women feel that they had done wrong (even though they hadn’t). His hope was that he would cause them to change their behavior in order to avoid condemnation. This most certainly is legalism (and also manipulation and coercion). In short, the skewed focus of legalism causes people to see the small issues as big ones, and the big issues as miniscule.

These are hypothetical situations, of course, but you'll notice that both of my examples involved a man-woman power dynamic. That was intentional because, although a lot of majoring on the minors doesn't involve gender at all, there often is a misogynistic dynamic that is worth noting within legalistic groups. Aside from gender, though, major and minor issues are often handled differently based on each person's status within the group. Variables such as one's level of financial giving or whether or not the person involved is part of the pastor's inner circle can determine how majors and minors are handled with different people.  The variables will differ between various legalistic groups. Nevertheless, in legalistic churches, you will often notice a hierarchy that allows for some members to be regarded as more important than others, and the members with higher status will be given special treatment when major issues come up, while others of lower status will be punished or scrutinized over minor "offenses".

When you first notice legalism in a church, even if you do not know the name for it yet, you may begin to feel that something is off. However, feelings become the operative word that often causes us to look the other way because--make no mistake--you will have already been taught to ignore any gut instincts or feelings that you could possibly have. These groups will often twist the scriptures and misapply "the heart is deceitful" to any and every situation. To clarify, I believe the Bible and I know that the heart is deceitful, often leading us into sin because we want to do things that are wrong. That is definitely not what I'm talking about! Indeed, God gives us instincts (feelings) to help us discern when we are in danger. A lot of women have experienced this when they know that a man is creepy and that they need to leave a certain place or situation. This involves gut feelings, which is exactly what I am talking about! In these kinds of groups, we might experience our gut feelings telling us that things are off, but we quickly learn to desensitize ourselves to those instincts. We tell  ourselves that we can't ever trust our feelings. By the time we've been part of the group long enough to experience any feelings of discernment that something may be off, it's often too late. We've already been taught (and taught and taught and then taught some more) to stop listening to our God-given protective instincts. 

I will provide one example that actually doesn't involve legalism specifically, but it is relevant to the discussion because it involves other components of spiritual abuse. I will share this particular example because it was a distinct time in my own spiritual abuse journey when I experienced strong gut instincts, but ignored them. Looking back, I find the whole thing unfathomable, but that just validates how desensitized I had already become by that time. So, my daughter, at the age of fifteen, found out that a boy in the youth group had been mistreating and harassing a girl in the youth group. Although I won’t provide details, I want to emphasize that the nature of this situation was very serious. Anyway, the girl had confessed all that had happened to my daughter. The pastor and his family knew about it, and they communicated to my daughter (via a message from their own daughter) not to tell her parents about it. They misused Matthew 18 to convince her to keep it all a secret from her parents. When she said that she needed someone to talk to because she was upset, the response was to talk only to God, but not to her parents, or else she would be gossiping. I cannot even begin to describe the warning alarm that went off inside of me when I discovered all of this only a short time later, but I already wasn't trusting myself to know what to do anymore. We had only been at the church for about a year, but the constant mantra of "don't trust your feelings" had taken root inside of me, and I ignored my strong gut instinct telling me that safe adults do not tell children to keep secrets from their parents. This was to my own detriment, as well as that of my family. This example is a deeply personal one, but it illustrates the how and the why of attempts to desensitize group members to their feelings. My own example involves authoritarianism, manipulation, coercion, and control, and I believe that control is the primary purpose of desensitizing us to our gut instincts.  I also experienced feelings of warning regarding the legalism that I saw in the church, but I ignored them, of course. I just really can't overemphasize this. If  you think that you may be entrapped in legalism or any other type of spiritual abuse, learn to listen to those inner warning signals once again. Please. It will be the starting point that will give you greater discernment and help you find your way to freedom. When you feel like something is off, that’s usually because it is. In cases where there may be danger (and that includes many churches, unfortunately), trust your gut.

I'd like to close by briefly listing some examples of legalism that my family and I experienced during the four years spent in our former church. I am going to write these as a list of rules. In reality, they were never written down anywhere as a list of rules. They were mostly unspoken, but I learned them regardless, so this is what the list could have looked like if the rules had been written down and posted on the church wall. Since we tend to learn such man-made rules through legalism and conformity, it becomes rather eye-opening to write them down and look at them in the form of a list. It allows you to see more clearly just how ridiculous a lot of them are. Here is my list:

• No jeans at church on Sunday mornings. Wear your best when you visit God’s house. You wouldn’t wear jeans to visit the White House, would you?
• Skirts must be knee-length.
• Shoulders need to be covered. Dresses must have sleeves or else a sweater must be worn over the dress. 
• On Sunday nights, colored jeans can be worn (but not blue denim).
• For formal wear (bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses), no strapless dresses allowed, and the straps must be at least three finger widths wide (that was the official rule, and in addition to that, the deacon board had to approve all bridal wear).
• Never wear leggings, tank tops, or jeans with rips, and shorts must be no shorter than three finger widths above the knee.
• No necklines lower than the collarbone. 
• No tattoos
• No unnatural hair colors (pink, blue, etc.)
• No piercings other than the earlobes. 
• No bright or heavy make-up.
• Use only the ESV or the KJV Bible translations.
• Do not question Calvinism.
• Do not ever drink alcohol. Do not work anywhere that sells or serves it. (this one was actually in writing)
• If you are a girl, learn to play the piano.
• No secular music.
• Be careful when listening to contemporary Christian music. Hymns are better.
• No dancing at wedding receptions.
• If you are a teenager who goes to public school, do not attend your school’s dances (this one was in writing once as well).
• Words are important. Adhere to our group’s semantics, terminology, and vocabulary at all times.  Usage of words outside of our theological vocabulary will cause us to twist your meaning and question your motives.
• Do not use slang words. They are no different from cuss words.
• Do not give or receive compliments. If someone compliments you, do not say "thank you". Instead, say  "praise the Lord" or "to God be the glory".  Do not compliment church musicians and soloists by saying "good job".  Instead, say "thank you for ministering to me".
• Homeschooling or the specific IFB Christian school that we are affiliated with are the best educational options for your children. We will make it known that public school is subpar, but we won't condemn you for it outright (note: only a couple of families in my former church went to public schools). That other local Christian school is completely unacceptable, though, because kids from other churches and denominations attend there. It must be liberal and full of apostasy.  Do not send your kids there.
• For college, we will not overtly condemn you for attending the more affordable state colleges or universities, especially if you choose to major in nursing or engineering, but we will definitely let you know that it is much more preferable and acceptable to attend our affiliated Bible college or Bob Jones University.
• You must attend church three times per week. You will be judged if you miss. You will be judged if you do not get involved and volunteer in enough church activities. That includes the Friday night volleyball games and other special events.  There is not a valid reason to miss a service other than illness or travel, and these may need to be proven at times (Note: Our former pastor was once upset that our daughter missed two weeks of church in a row, once for being out of town and the other for being sick. She was 17 years old). Church attendance trumps anything and everything else.
• If you are a woman who feels called into any kind of ministry, marry a pastor. Go to the approved Bible college for the sole purpose of finding a pastor to marry.
• Do not go to a licensed counselor if you need counseling. Even those who call themselves Christian counselors cannot be trusted. You may only go to biblical (nouthetic) counselors.
• Be extremely careful about fellowshipping with Christians outside of our church. They are usually liberal and may not be real Christians. This is dangerous.
• Do not participate in any interdenominational Bible studies, events, or ministries.
• Do not be transparent about your struggles. Bring glory to God by pretending that you don't have any. 
• Learn to scrutinize, criticize, and condemn every Christian who does not think and act exactly as you do. Be sure to tell these professing Christians that they are unbiblical.
• Do not move away or leave the church for any reason. God has called you to be at this church.

What would your list look like?

In my next post, we will go to God's Word to find out His thoughts about legalism. It is especially interesting to study Jesus' interactions with the Pharisees because legalistic groups ARE the modern day Pharisees. They abound in self-righteousness instead of love, and they often lead people away from God instead of toward Him. Jesus had a lot to say about people who do that. Stay tuned, and as always, please contact me any time to discuss these issues further or to find information and resources for help.

Stay safe and healthy, my friends!

In the Grip of His Grace,

Alyssa