COVID-19 Under the Sea Parody

Hi! I hope everyone has been safe, healthy, and doing well in general during the pandemic and quarantines. Personally, I have been struggling to focus quite a bit, so part of that is manifested in my lack of new posts about spiritual abuse over the past month.

However, in an effort to cheer up my family, I recently wrote a little parody called COVID-19, to the time of Under the Sea. My daughters and I recorded ourselves singing it, so I thought I would share it here with the hope that it might bring a smile to your face as well.

View our parody video right here: https://youtu.be/kabuBILYB68

Have a great week, and stay tuned for more posts about spiritual abuse soon!

More About Legalism

I initially had trouble writing this post because I could not get my mind off of the global pandemic that we find ourselves in. Then I thought that this may be the perfect time to think about and write my next post about legalism. Spiritual abuse isn't going to go away. We will resume our normal lives again sooner or later, and these issues will still be present in far too many churches. I do pray that you all will remain healthy and safe during our current crisis. Much love to you and yours! 


In my previous post about spiritual abuse and legalism, we defined both of those terms, and we discussed some of the ways that legalism often rears its ugly head in churches. I'd like to talk more about what that can look like, and then in my next post I'd like to go to God's Word to find out what He thinks about legalism. I originally said that I was going to tackle both of those topics in one post, but I have decided to stretch this series about legalism into three posts (total) instead of two. There is  just so much to be said about legalism!


First things first, though. Legalism is one of many components of spiritual abuse. What are the other components of spiritual abuse, you ask? I'm going to list some of them here because there is a lot of overlap, and it will be helpful to the discussion about legalism to at least be able to name the other components. In addition to legalism, spiritual abuse can involve any of the following: Conformity, coercion, manipulation, hierarchy, elitism, authoritarianism, enmeshment, entrapment, and terrorism. I plan for future blog posts to address at least some of these other characteristics in depth, but for now, knowing the terminology may aid in understanding how the components can overlap and intersect with one another.


If you would like to know what legalism is by definition, please visit my first post in this series. There tends to be some confusion about what exactly this word can mean, so please read that post first so that we will all be on the same page. If you've already read the first one, then let's continue the discussion.


In my first post in this legalism series, I talked about standards within legalistic churches and the pressure to measure up to man made rules. In these environments, the standards become the measuring stick by which the people in the group are judged regarding their perceived spiritual condition, spiritual maturity, or even their salvation. Such judgments are most certainly made toward those outside of the group (and almost no one outside the group can measure up), but this also happens continually among the members within the group. Sadly, I can recognize that, as I spent more and more time in a legalistic church, I became increasingly judgmental toward others as well. 


So, within legalistic churches, the people are constantly passing judgments on one another--either praise for measuring up to the standards, or else shame for failing to measure up to them--and this becomes a means of control for bringing about more conformity within the group. This whole pattern of constant judgment of others while simultaneously trying to measure up involves both legalism and conformity. These two characteristics--legalism and conformity--really like to hang out together. Where you see one, you will most likely see the other as well because legalism breeds conformity. I would be bold enough to say that when you notice a lot of conformity within a church, that is a glaring red flag for legalism, too.

In legalistic environments, you will notice a tendency to major in the minors and minor in the majors. This simply means to take a minor thing and inappropriately treat it as a major thing, and vice versa. Let's talk about some examples. One hypothetical example would be to make a huge issue out of something like modesty, which in our example will involve shaming a woman for wearing a skirt with an above-the-knee length. Many Christians would not consider this to be immodest, but depending on the group's standards, a woman wearing this skirt could definitely be called out or shamed for doing so. Then, let's say that in this same church, the leadership discovers an issue that is actually a huge one, such as sexual assault perpetrated toward this same woman by a man in the church. The leadership responds by protecting that perpetrator. The pastor just sweeps the whole thing under the rug. This scenario would be even more likely to happen if the perpetrator was part of the pastor's inner circle (more about the inner circle in future posts). Another possible layer to this hypothetical example, which unfortunately happens all too often in real life, is when the woman wearing the skirt is blamed for her sexual assault because of her skirt length. This is a glaring example of majoring in the minors and minoring in the majors.

Another example of majoring in the minors and minoring in the majors would be for a pastor to degrade a woman for her God-given personality because she happened to be too extroverted, too intelligent, or too passionate (whatever quality the group or pastor deemed to be inappropriate), telling her that she was sinful because her particular personality wasn't quiet enough or submissive enough (again, as judged by the group's spoken or unspoken standards). That's bad enough, right? But what if that same pastor, all while he's making this poor woman feel awful about who God created her to be, ignores actual sins happening in his church, such as when he discovers that the aforementioned woman's husband abuses his family and is addicted to pornography? This pastor is focusing on all of the wrong things, but legalism breeds such an inappropriate focus. Church leaders can use this wrong focus on minor issues as a means to control the behavior of the congregation. In our examples, the pastor used his power and influence to make both women feel that they had done wrong (even though they hadn’t). His hope was that he would cause them to change their behavior in order to avoid condemnation. This most certainly is legalism (and also manipulation and coercion). In short, the skewed focus of legalism causes people to see the small issues as big ones, and the big issues as miniscule.

These are hypothetical situations, of course, but you'll notice that both of my examples involved a man-woman power dynamic. That was intentional because, although a lot of majoring on the minors doesn't involve gender at all, there often is a misogynistic dynamic that is worth noting within legalistic groups. Aside from gender, though, major and minor issues are often handled differently based on each person's status within the group. Variables such as one's level of financial giving or whether or not the person involved is part of the pastor's inner circle can determine how majors and minors are handled with different people.  The variables will differ between various legalistic groups. Nevertheless, in legalistic churches, you will often notice a hierarchy that allows for some members to be regarded as more important than others, and the members with higher status will be given special treatment when major issues come up, while others of lower status will be punished or scrutinized over minor "offenses".

When you first notice legalism in a church, even if you do not know the name for it yet, you may begin to feel that something is off. However, feelings become the operative word that often causes us to look the other way because--make no mistake--you will have already been taught to ignore any gut instincts or feelings that you could possibly have. These groups will often twist the scriptures and misapply "the heart is deceitful" to any and every situation. To clarify, I believe the Bible and I know that the heart is deceitful, often leading us into sin because we want to do things that are wrong. That is definitely not what I'm talking about! Indeed, God gives us instincts (feelings) to help us discern when we are in danger. A lot of women have experienced this when they know that a man is creepy and that they need to leave a certain place or situation. This involves gut feelings, which is exactly what I am talking about! In these kinds of groups, we might experience our gut feelings telling us that things are off, but we quickly learn to desensitize ourselves to those instincts. We tell  ourselves that we can't ever trust our feelings. By the time we've been part of the group long enough to experience any feelings of discernment that something may be off, it's often too late. We've already been taught (and taught and taught and then taught some more) to stop listening to our God-given protective instincts. 

I will provide one example that actually doesn't involve legalism specifically, but it is relevant to the discussion because it involves other components of spiritual abuse. I will share this particular example because it was a distinct time in my own spiritual abuse journey when I experienced strong gut instincts, but ignored them. Looking back, I find the whole thing unfathomable, but that just validates how desensitized I had already become by that time. So, my daughter, at the age of fifteen, found out that a boy in the youth group had been mistreating and harassing a girl in the youth group. Although I won’t provide details, I want to emphasize that the nature of this situation was very serious. Anyway, the girl had confessed all that had happened to my daughter. The pastor and his family knew about it, and they communicated to my daughter (via a message from their own daughter) not to tell her parents about it. They misused Matthew 18 to convince her to keep it all a secret from her parents. When she said that she needed someone to talk to because she was upset, the response was to talk only to God, but not to her parents, or else she would be gossiping. I cannot even begin to describe the warning alarm that went off inside of me when I discovered all of this only a short time later, but I already wasn't trusting myself to know what to do anymore. We had only been at the church for about a year, but the constant mantra of "don't trust your feelings" had taken root inside of me, and I ignored my strong gut instinct telling me that safe adults do not tell children to keep secrets from their parents. This was to my own detriment, as well as that of my family. This example is a deeply personal one, but it illustrates the how and the why of attempts to desensitize group members to their feelings. My own example involves authoritarianism, manipulation, coercion, and control, and I believe that control is the primary purpose of desensitizing us to our gut instincts.  I also experienced feelings of warning regarding the legalism that I saw in the church, but I ignored them, of course. I just really can't overemphasize this. If  you think that you may be entrapped in legalism or any other type of spiritual abuse, learn to listen to those inner warning signals once again. Please. It will be the starting point that will give you greater discernment and help you find your way to freedom. When you feel like something is off, that’s usually because it is. In cases where there may be danger (and that includes many churches, unfortunately), trust your gut.

I'd like to close by briefly listing some examples of legalism that my family and I experienced during the four years spent in our former church. I am going to write these as a list of rules. In reality, they were never written down anywhere as a list of rules. They were mostly unspoken, but I learned them regardless, so this is what the list could have looked like if the rules had been written down and posted on the church wall. Since we tend to learn such man-made rules through legalism and conformity, it becomes rather eye-opening to write them down and look at them in the form of a list. It allows you to see more clearly just how ridiculous a lot of them are. Here is my list:

• No jeans at church on Sunday mornings. Wear your best when you visit God’s house. You wouldn’t wear jeans to visit the White House, would you?
• Skirts must be knee-length.
• Shoulders need to be covered. Dresses must have sleeves or else a sweater must be worn over the dress. 
• On Sunday nights, colored jeans can be worn (but not blue denim).
• For formal wear (bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses), no strapless dresses allowed, and the straps must be at least three finger widths wide (that was the official rule, and in addition to that, the deacon board had to approve all bridal wear).
• Never wear leggings, tank tops, or jeans with rips, and shorts must be no shorter than three finger widths above the knee.
• No necklines lower than the collarbone. 
• No tattoos
• No unnatural hair colors (pink, blue, etc.)
• No piercings other than the earlobes. 
• No bright or heavy make-up.
• Use only the ESV or the KJV Bible translations.
• Do not question Calvinism.
• Do not ever drink alcohol. Do not work anywhere that sells or serves it. (this one was actually in writing)
• If you are a girl, learn to play the piano.
• No secular music.
• Be careful when listening to contemporary Christian music. Hymns are better.
• No dancing at wedding receptions.
• If you are a teenager who goes to public school, do not attend your school’s dances (this one was in writing once as well).
• Words are important. Adhere to our group’s semantics, terminology, and vocabulary at all times.  Usage of words outside of our theological vocabulary will cause us to twist your meaning and question your motives.
• Do not use slang words. They are no different from cuss words.
• Do not give or receive compliments. If someone compliments you, do not say "thank you". Instead, say  "praise the Lord" or "to God be the glory".  Do not compliment church musicians and soloists by saying "good job".  Instead, say "thank you for ministering to me".
• Homeschooling or the specific IFB Christian school that we are affiliated with are the best educational options for your children. We will make it known that public school is subpar, but we won't condemn you for it outright (note: only a couple of families in my former church went to public schools). That other local Christian school is completely unacceptable, though, because kids from other churches and denominations attend there. It must be liberal and full of apostasy.  Do not send your kids there.
• For college, we will not overtly condemn you for attending the more affordable state colleges or universities, especially if you choose to major in nursing or engineering, but we will definitely let you know that it is much more preferable and acceptable to attend our affiliated Bible college or Bob Jones University.
• You must attend church three times per week. You will be judged if you miss. You will be judged if you do not get involved and volunteer in enough church activities. That includes the Friday night volleyball games and other special events.  There is not a valid reason to miss a service other than illness or travel, and these may need to be proven at times (Note: Our former pastor was once upset that our daughter missed two weeks of church in a row, once for being out of town and the other for being sick. She was 17 years old). Church attendance trumps anything and everything else.
• If you are a woman who feels called into any kind of ministry, marry a pastor. Go to the approved Bible college for the sole purpose of finding a pastor to marry.
• Do not go to a licensed counselor if you need counseling. Even those who call themselves Christian counselors cannot be trusted. You may only go to biblical (nouthetic) counselors.
• Be extremely careful about fellowshipping with Christians outside of our church. They are usually liberal and may not be real Christians. This is dangerous.
• Do not participate in any interdenominational Bible studies, events, or ministries.
• Do not be transparent about your struggles. Bring glory to God by pretending that you don't have any. 
• Learn to scrutinize, criticize, and condemn every Christian who does not think and act exactly as you do. Be sure to tell these professing Christians that they are unbiblical.
• Do not move away or leave the church for any reason. God has called you to be at this church.

What would your list look like?

In my next post, we will go to God's Word to find out His thoughts about legalism. It is especially interesting to study Jesus' interactions with the Pharisees because legalistic groups ARE the modern day Pharisees. They abound in self-righteousness instead of love, and they often lead people away from God instead of toward Him. Jesus had a lot to say about people who do that. Stay tuned, and as always, please contact me any time to discuss these issues further or to find information and resources for help.

Stay safe and healthy, my friends!

In the Grip of His Grace,

Alyssa

Shunning

I came across an article entitled Shunning In the Church by Deborah Brunt about two days ago, and I have been battling triggering thoughts and emotions ever since. My family's experience with spiritual abuse culminated with shunning as we left the church. Likely a damage control effort, it was definitely a crazy-making, Twilight Zone-like experience. Although I don't think that the pastor boldly announced from the pulpit that we were to be avoided at all costs, he and his family definitely modeled it, and I'm sure their example made his expectations known in more subtle ways. Spiritual abuse almost always involves subtle attacks, and that is part of the disorienting cycle of it. 

I knew from the beginning, though, that the action (or non-action) was deliberate. I even used the word shunning to describe our experience from the beginning, although I had never been shunned before and I didn't completely understand it. One example (among many) happened when my daughter reached out to a "friend" from our former church and asked to get together with her, only to be told point blank that she would be too worried for the pastor's family to find out that she had done so. Fear is a likely  mechanism used to get people in the group to stay away from the ones being targeted. People in spiritually abusive systems inherently know that they have to behave in certain ways in order to maintain acceptance, and they don't often risk rocking the boat.

 It's interesting that the people and groups who tend to do this usually don't use the word shunning, yet the people who are being shunned most certainly know what is happening. And to sum up exactly what is happening with this tactic: Shunning is designed to create outcasts. 

Have you ever experienced shunning by members of a church or religious group? I hope you will read Deborah's article (link below) to gain more insight. She captures the experience vividly through her writing.

Here is a short excerpt from Deborah Brunt's article:

Shunning creates exiles, in more ways than one.

Exile can happen while you’re still physically attached to a group.  You still participate, but you’re acutely aware: you’re an outsider now.

Exile can result in your physically removing yourself, or being physically pushed out. If so, the shunners will continue to make damage control their highest priority – closing ranks to hide the evidence of their wrongdoing, while spreading innuendos and false accusations about you.

You’re aware – and yet the fog created by the non-act of shunning is so strong that it totally disorients you. In that fog, it’s almost impossible to breathe. Your thoughts and feelings ricochet:

People who were my friends yesterday treat me like a leper today. I’m being frozen out. But can that be true? And why? For speaking up about a wrong? For doing something courageous and right? Could this many Christians choose to act this badly? Surely not. Did I do it all wrong? Surely they just don’t understand.

In the fog that now swirls around the entire group, pretty much everyone you’ve cared about may believe you’re the villain. Your efforts to convince them that you’re not will only make them more sure you are.

-Deborah Brunt, keytruths.com

Read the entire article here

Spiritual Abuse and Legalism

Legalism

This word is thrown around quite commonly in Christian circles, but what does it really mean? Personally, I feel that legalism is one of the most dangerous components of spiritual abuse because it inherently undermines the gospel and drives people away from God. As I wrote in my last blog post, I am going to be writing about spiritual abuse this year, and it seems prudent to jump right in and discuss one of the most common and dangerous issues within that framework, which, again, is legalism. I am hoping to tackle this issue in a two-part series, of which this is the first.

But first, let's back up and talk briefly about what spiritual abuse is. There are varying definitions that have been written, but I will start with a quote from David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, co-authors a book that was immensely helpful for me entitled The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. These were the two people who really seemed to start the conversation about spiritual abuse when their book was published back in 1991. According to Johnson and VanVonderan,

 "It's possible to become so determined to defend a spiritual place of authority, a doctrine, or a way of doing things that you wound and abuse anyone who questions or disagrees, or doesn't 'behave' spiritually the way you want them to. When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person's standing as a Christian--to gratify you, your position, or your beliefs while at the same time weakening or harming another--that is spiritual abuse."  (Johnson and VanVonderen 1991).

And another quote from Johnson and VanVonderen: 

"Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another without regard to what will result in the other person's state of living, emotions, or spiritual well-being.” (Johnson and VanVonderan 1991).

Spiritual abuse is a broad phrase, and it encompasses multiple features and experiences. When we hear people use phrases such as "a bad church experience", "an unhealthy church", or "toxic religion", we may be hearing them refer to an experience of spiritual abuse. If you think of all churches existing on a continuum, with full-blown cults on one end, and healthy churches on the opposite  end, there is a wide spectrum between the two extremes. No church is perfect because people are not perfect, and you will find abusive situations that exist all along that spectrum. But, the closer you get to the “cult” side of the continuum, the more likely you will be to find increasingly pervasive patterns of spiritual abuse. 

I  looked at a variety of definitions on the internet, and there are many common words that show up in these multiple definitions, including the words manipulation, selfishness, and legalism. One helpful acronym includes that aspect of selfishness within spiritual abuse: Spiritual A.B.U.S.E. is Acting spiritual to Benefit oneself by Using Self-centered Efforts to control others (Hunt 2008).

Although spiritual abuse has not been researched as widely as other forms of abuse, multiple authors have noted the devastating effects on its victims, which are similar to those resulting from other forms of abuse. Spiritual abuse can also result in a sense of bereavement, similar to that of grieving the loss of a loved one. Many victims experience a crisis of faith or leave church altogether. C-PTSD can result from spiritual abuse as well. It should be noted that most of the information I have seen discusses the effects of spiritual abuse on adults. My hope is that researchers will begin examining the effects of spiritual abuse on the children who are being raised within these systems in the near future as well.

One strong theme among the features of spiritual abuse is often legalism.

So, what exactly is legalism?

Prior to attending my former church, I had thought of legalism as trying to earn salvation through one's own efforts and merit. It seemed cut and dry. A church that preaches about salvation by grace alone cannot be a legalistic church, right? WRONG. What I found so confusing at the time I was attending my previous church is that this church DID preach about grace, even to go so far as to tell us to search our hearts and question our salvation constantly. If we were “bringing any of our own effort to the table” when coming to Christ, we were lost and still needed to be saved. This was always the mantra, and I found myself questioning my motives and even my salvation all the time; and I repeated the sinner's prayer ad nauseum. But, I digress.

Back to the topic of legalism. This church did not preach directly about working one's way to heaven, so how could it be a legalistic environment? It turns out that I did not have the complete picture of all that legalism can entail prior to attending this church. Legalism can certainly mean trying to earn salvation through one's own efforts. However, the word is much broader than that, just as the phrase spiritual abuse can similarly encompass multiple features and definitions.

Through my own research, I found out that legalistic churches will often preach salvation by grace alone from the pulpit. When the preaching is over, however, grace is not lived out—and people are overly scrutinized for evidence of certain "fruit" in their lives. 

Let me pause to ask you a question--what comes to mind when you think of spiritual fruit? You're thinking about the fruit of the spirit, right? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

Unfortunately, that is not the kind of fruit that I am referring to. Instead, I am talking about issues such as the clothing that people wear to church. The music they choose to listen to. The Bible translations that they prefer. The slang words they might use (and I am not even talking about actual curse words). Methods of educating children. The length of  dresses and skirts. Usage of make-up. Hobbies. Opinions about drinking alcohol in moderation. Career goals. The number of times members attend church each week. The amount of hours spent serving in church-related activities. The level of financial giving. Instead of finding the freedom to be led by the Spirit in such matters, these kinds of ideas are used all the time to judge others' fruit--and thus their standing with God and spiritual maturity--in legalistic churches. 

In such churches, the leadership and/or membership develops standards that church members are expected to follow. Sometimes these rules are actually presented in writing. For example, in order to join my former church, I was required to sign a document stating that I would neither drink alcohol, nor work at an establishment that sold or served it. More often, though, the rules and standards are left unspoken, and members learn to fall in line by conforming with the expectations of the group. For example, my teenage daughter got in trouble at camp, and was publicly shamed, for her usage of make-up (which her leader judged to be excessive and “worldly”). This is not a sinful behavior, but she was not conforming to the group’s unspoken rule, so she was punished and treated badly for it.


To sum it up, the leadership may preach about God's grace, but if it is not being lived out among the people, and is instead replaced with judgment, condemnation, and spoken or unspoken expectations to meet in order to "measure up", then legalism may very likely be present. In these unhealthy churches, you will see a lot of effort to live up to man-made standards in order to gain acceptance. If you attend a legalistic church, you may also experience intense levels of fear about what other church members think of you or about failing to measure up. Any time that works are added to salvation OR to sanctification, then you are dealing with legalism. 

In my next blog post, I would like to talk about specific examples of legalism that I have experienced, as well as what the Bible tells us and shows us about legalism (there are many examples even though the word legalism itself is not used in scripture).

For now, I would like to leave you with a few definitions of legalism to ponder. As previously stated, the most commonly known version of legalism in Christian circles is the idea of trying to achieve salvation through our own works. I want to share these other definitions to show you that it is not the only valid definition, as the term is often used to describe spiritually abusive experiences in a more broad context.

1. This most basic definition comes from the Oxford Dictionary, which defines legalism as "excessive adherence to law or formula."

2. Bible.org describes legalism as "an attempt to gain favor with God or to impress our fellow man by doing certain things (or avoiding other things), without regard to the condition of our hearts before God."

3. In an online article, Jack Wellman stated, "Legalism can be described as a strict adherence, or the principle of a strict adherence to law, especially to the letter of the law rather than the spirit. 

4. Finally, author Edward Cumella described legalism as lacking grace toward others, rather than treating others with love and grace as Christ commanded us to, and the underlying (often unspoken) theme that one's worth depends on performance and status within the church.

If you find yourself in a legalistic environment and need help, please reach out. I have found resources for information and encouragement that I would be more than happy to share with you. To get you started, I have posted links to online videos showing interviews with the authors of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. 

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse Part 1

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse Part 2

One final word of encouragement that is simple, but true: There really IS life after legalism. The pain and damage are real, but I am finding that I am stronger and more compassionate as I come to the other side of it. Help is available, and you WILL be okay. May God bless and keep you always!

In the Grip of His Grace,

Alyssa

Sources:

1. Johnson, D. and VanVonderen, J., The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 1991).

2. Hunt, J., Biblical Counseling Keys on Spiritual Abuse: Relgion at its Worst (Dallas, TX: Hope for the Heart, 2008).

3. https://www.oed.com/

4. https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-57-why-jesus-hates-legalism-luke-1137-54

5. Wellman, J. https://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-is-legalism-a-christian-study/

6. Cumella, E.J. (2008) "Ch 19: Relgious Abuse." Eating Disorders: A Handbook of Christian Treatment, bu E. Cumella, M. Eberly, and A.D. Wall, Remuda Ranch: Nashville, TN

7. https://youtu.be/DGL_Wl7BAfE

8. https://youtu.be/MelXy5Gj7Jc

JOY In the Morning

Hello, Friends! 

I know that it has been a terribly long time since I have written, and I suppose that I don’t have any legitimate excuse since I have long struggled to prioritize writing on the blog. However, this time it feels different. I want to start by saying that the last couple of years have been very difficult ones for my family. Because of my own struggles, I have felt hard pressed to know what to say to anyone else. So, this post will not be like a regular blog about the homeschool life or any homeschooling issues per se. Instead, I would like to share with you something that the Lord impressed upon my heart last night.

First, a brief update on our family. We are still homeschooling (yay). My oldest daughter is in her second year of college, and my younger two are both in high school. This year, we joined a homeschool group that is more of a micro-school for high school students. It has been a game changer for me, relieving my overall stress level and feelings of burnout. And my husband and I will celebrate our 23^rd wedding anniversary this year! Overall, everyone is doing well. 

Well, back to my experience last night. Over the past week or so, I began asking God to give me a word to help define my vision (2020 vision!) and focus for the year 2020. Last night, I came across a video sermon in which the speaker talked about fighting for joy. It spoke to my heart on a very deep level and refreshed my spirit immensely. Because of the difficulties of the past couple of years, I was weary. I had often lost hope. And I certainly wasn’t experiencing joy. I believe that the scriptures are true, and the Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. I became very much aware that I was feeling weak (at least partly) because I had become so engulfed in difficult circumstances—and I was allowing my circumstances to steal my joy. The video that I was watching encouraged me to delight in the Lord, and to “fight for joy”. I had never thought about “fighting” for joy before. Suffering had almost seemed like a holy thing somehow, and I had completely resigned myself to it. I felt in my heart that God was answering my prayer and giving me my word for 2020—JOY. 

Even though we have had a couple of difficult years, my family is healing. Things are looking up, and I have regained my sense of hope that even better days are ahead. In 2020 I want to be more intentional about investing in my relationship with God, who loves me unconditionally and even sings over me! During times of trauma over the last two years, I focused on finding my rest in the Lord. Now I will concentrate on finding my delight and my JOY in the Lord! And I will continue to fight for it even when I don’t feel it! Does anyone else need to hear this? Who wants to join me in the fight?

I really do hope to write on this blog in 2020, but it will take on a different tone than it has in the past. I would like to discuss some of the things that my family experienced, and continues to heal from, over the past couple of years. Most specifically, I would like to write about the issues of spiritual abuse and church trauma, which can involve all sorts of underlying behaviors and attitudes, including legalism, elitism, coercion, conformity, irrationality, and manipulation, as well as weaponizing the Bible in order to harm and control. No church or pastor is perfect, but I am talking about patterns that involve these characteristics in churches. 

If I am honest, I don’t feel ready to write about it yet. I feel called to do it, but I also feel very vulnerable. I don’t want to become triggered by the past, even as I commit to pursue joy as I go forward. Also, I would never want my words to hurt any of the wonderful people who still go to the church that I left. Most of them have been in that church for years. The system largely seems to make sense to them, and most of them have no idea how certain people are treated behind the scenes. But there is a need to talk about unhealthy church experiences because they really do happen and the trauma damages people. Many people have left the church altogether because of it. And there are numerous people in the world suffering from C-PTSD because of spiritual abuse. Some have even experienced a decline in physical health, including a host of chronic illnesses, as a result of the trauma. These things are nothing to sneeze at! They are very real issues, and they need to be talked about. The hearts and souls of people that Jesus loves and died for are at stake, and I do not feel that that can be overstated! These things surely must cause the Lord to grieve!

So, I hope to be able to start writing about it on this blog in 2020, not to be a Debbie downer, but because I want to do my part to raise awareness and to help those who are hurting. I have found resources that have helped me with these issues. God has also been gracious to put people in my path who have helped me. If you are dealing with any kind of church-related trauma, please know that you are not alone. And please reach out! I would love to listen and to direct you to resources that could be helpful.

In the meantime, I hope that you find comfort in the fact that God loves you exactly as you are! He made you, and He certainly doesn’t make mistakes. As believers, the God of the universe delights in us and sings over us! We don’t have to measure up or strive for perfection. He is the God who came to give us rest. And He came to bring unspeakable joy to the world, too! In fact, we all just celebrated that joy at Christmas. I feel that my night of weeping over spiritual abuse has come to a close, and a morning of joy has arrived. I am so thankful! May we continue experience His joy throughout the entire year. May 2020 draw us closer to the God who loves us perfectly and longs to heal our hearts.

". . . weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Pslam 30:5 b